Minister's Musings September Newsletter 2025

Co-Founder of Sacred Design Lab, Casper ter Kuile writes, “Membership is down across unions, congregations, and voluntary organizations. It seems we’re increasingly looking for belonging without membership… In a culture where authenticity is king, melting into membership feels like an attack on individual personhood. The threat of commitment to the “freedom” of choice seems like a limitation. And mutuality isn’t seen as a safety net, but a stone that might sink us both… I’d wager that this is why ephemeral connective experiences are so popular: think retreats, festivals, and conventions. We look for meaningful connections amidst the safety of temporality.”

The safety of temporality. In this fraught world, people are not feeling safe. Aligning with a community feels scary, it requires vulnerability and trust. It seems hard for many of us to commit to commitments because the ground upon which we stand is so incredibly shaky. How can we make promises to be part of something long-term when faced with an undisclosed and frighteningly uncertain future? Research has revealed just how dangerous isolation and loneliness are and we hear how much people long for community or a sense of belonging. It’s in our DNA to be interconnected, our survival is dependent upon the tribe. But an imperialist, capitalist, transactional story was sold to us all for decades. Pulling ourselves up from our bootstraps, keeping up with the Joneses, measuring our success in life by how much stuff you have or how much joy you can muster from not having to feel anything unpleasant. That’s a pretty lonely story.

And none of that really matters. As the social economic experiment of America goes limping along, we need to decide if it’s worth it to continue being afraid of commitments and the work of community or if going it alone is just easier and less hassle. The short-term connective experiences that ter Kuile writes about are a tease, a trailer of what could be. I must admit, one of my favorite things to do when I’m having a bad day is go to one of my streaming apps on the TV and watch trailers. I don’t actually want to commit to watching a whole movie-I can get the highlights of the program in a quick 2-minute reel. What could I possibly be missing out on? I also love retreats! There is an intensity there-a quickening of the best possibility of community with none of the risk or long-term responsibility. It’s concierge service for the soul. And yet, what happens when we return to our mundane lives? What happens when the trials of life happen for you or for me or for other people we know? What mechanism is in place to support you? How can your spirit be fed regularly but also, how can you feed others’ spirits too?

I think we’re all longing for connection-real connection and mutuality. These kinds of connections can happen when we make a commitment to belonging to a group, a circle, or a congregation. I know it’s scary to make that commitment and it might stretch us out of our comfort zones emotionally, physically, and financially. It is also hard to know what each person needs out of that commitment of community. So we must have lots of conversations, we have to ask one another, “What do you need to feel a sense of belonging?” We need to listen to the response. And then, we need to collaborate to make the community be what it has the potential to be. I believe it is worth the risk, it’s worth the heartache to be part of an “us” and not just a “me.”

So, as your minister, I’m asking you, “What do you need to feel a sense of belonging with the Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Oxford? How can I help you navigate the joys and sorrow of community to find your way to saying “yes” to a lasting commitment to this congregation? I’m listening. And are you willing to ask the same of others? For the good of the community, for the good of us all.
With love at the center,
​Rev. Sarah